So it’s been a long time since I’ve added anything to this blog. I’ve got to say things haven’t been going so well. I’ve been hospitalized at UCLA 6 times now for suicidal ideation. The hospital keeps becoming less and less safe for me though. I’ve been threatened by a doctor there and yelled at by his boss. It’s unfortunate because sometimes it could be really helpful for me to be there.
I now have the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. I’m depressed most of the time, and I’m often plagued by suicidal thoughts. I’ve tried to kill myself 4 times, but all my attempts have been pretty lame. I’m afraid of what will happen if I fail, and I’m afraid of pain.
I stopped taking my medications a few weeks ago, and I kind of lost my mind for a few days. I think I was suffering from a dysphoric mania. I had all this energy and I constantly wanted to move and do something, but I was depressed and suicidal. My thoughts were racing but all the thoughts were negative and many focused on suicide. I couldn’t keep myself from banging on my head with my fists as hard as I could to make the thoughts go away, but hurting myself didn’t help anything. I was extremely paranoid and delusional. I thought that everyone made a plan to be happier than me so as to hurt me more. When they looked at me I could see the intent in their eyes, but I guess it wasn’t there after all. I wasn’t eating normally. I would eat nothing and not be hungry or have any desire to eat, but that was only sometimes because on different days I would find myself eating everything in sight, but I still wasn’t hungry; I was celebrating something, but I didn’t know what. I wanted to scream out in agony, and I did a few times because my soul felt like it was being ripped to shreds. I also had very violent thoughts. They were images that passed through my mind. I picture myself killing me or other people. The suicidal scenarios brought me relief, but the other thoughts horrified me and made me hide from everything and everyone in an effort to save them. I wasn’t going to do anything, and I definitely didn’t want to do anything. But it was scary. I probably should have gone to the hospital, but I would have gotten yelled at for going off my medication.
I’m taking my medicine for the most part now. It’s hard for me to remember the pills in the morning sometimes, but I got this app, Pillboxie, that is supposed to help me remember to take them. It helps, but has yet to solve the problem.
I’ve lost nearly 30 pounds. I don’t really know how. I started taking phentermine over the summer and I guess I could contribute my success to that drug, but there were weeks when I wouldn’t take it but would still lose weight. So I can’t explain it, I guess.
I got a new doctor. Her name is Katrina DeBonis. She is super nice. I like her a lot. She actually wants to understand and listen to me. It’s so weird, but I like it. Her office is always a huge mess, but it makes it feel lived in. Like, you know she really does work there. Sometimes she’s bad at listening though. She doesn’t want to be my doctor in inpatient, and I don’t understand why. I think it’s because I’m difficult, but that doesn’t seem like a great reason.
Well, I think that’s a good update for now. I hope someone is still out there listening.
Stephina get one of those pill boxes, one that has spots for morning and the other afternoon, forgetting to take pills is so easy to do, or to become mixed up and wonder if you took them, then hesitating and wondering if you should take more. Taking your meds regularly is important, and if they are messing up, more so, then adjustments can be made. If you miss though, then adjustments are hard to do.
so, how are you difficult?
Thanks for the input. I do have those pill boxes. I only use them for travel because I forget to fill them up when the week is over…
And if you mean why does my doctor think I’m difficult, it’s because when I’m at the hospital, I head bang, scratch at my skin, attempt suicide, steal the cutlery, and essentially don’t function. I do most of these things at home too, but at home I don’t have nurses to freak out.
I think she said that I need a doctor who will be firm with me, but she is afraid that if she is too firm, it will hurt our therapeutic relationship…
kk, so use that type pill box all the time, it really does help.
so the things you do that you think make you difficult, if I told you that they are not uncommon reactions/behaviors. I think she would and should expect them and help you through them.
so if she was firm, would it be better for you? It is a time when the doctor takes more care until she/he knows how you react to things.
now, has she said she doesn’t want to care for you? or is it a thought you have?
She said she doesn’t want to be my doctor in inpatient but that she enjoys working with me in outpatient.
the hidden message then, is to be an outpatient.
the two involve a bit different care. when an inpatient the goal is to make you an outpatient. It isnt meant to sound crude or heartless. As an outpatient you are working toward getting better, as an in patient there has been a slip. now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing at all in being an inpatient, when those feelings are so strong it is the best place to be, to work through them, so never hesitate to go in.
now, to read your other response.
And it would probably be better if she were firmer with me. I trust her and want her to be proud of me.
It makes me feel like a kid to say this, but if she were to say that if I were to bang my head, I would be locked out of my room, I think I would try harder not to do it because I wouldn’t want the consequence and I wouldn’t want to disappoint her.
well that is good, some revolt with a firmer treatment, trust is so important. So is communication. tell her these things. The closer the two of you are, the more you understand each other, the better things will go.
this is the same with the nurses as well. You are seeking care, not medical care, just someone that does care.
Thank you.
hang in there Stephina, fight back.
Does Katrina know you take phentermine? I only ask, so that she may be aware of interactions with that and your other meds.
*hugs*
Amber
Yeah, she prescribes it, but she is trying to get me off of it. She says she would be a bad doctor if she let me take it forever.
so, a day has passed, how are you today?
I woke up feeling a little bit better… Then I spoke to my mother on the phone and she gave me the 3rd degree about having a blog which made me feel bad. Then I went to group and a girl who has similar problems to me spoke about just getting out of the hospital, not behaving super well, and having Dr. DeBonis. So now I’m really pissed off… I’m squeezing my penguin.
if you like your doctor and feel comfortable with her, what others say should be dismissed, remember it is all about you.
use your emotion to write a blog. put words to your emotions. or write a poem, the great things with poems is they don’t have to rhyme, but with emotion they can be grand.
oh points to the blog again, face your mom and stick out your tongue. blogging is a good way to unleash raw emotion, and to meet people.
talk to your doctor about that then, reasonably, tell her you are ok with firm too. communication can do wonderful things.
or, perhaps you won’t be an inpatient again? what do you think?
Maybe I won’t be inpatient again… I don’t know. Things tend to turn really sour for me in spring.
the spring has triggers for you?
Not triggers like memories or events…. Maybe more of a physiological trigger. Three springs ago I had my first real bout of depression. Then the next spring I made my first suicide attempt, was put in a partial hospital program, and ended up being hospitalized. The next one I stopped bathing and nearly stopped eating before spending almost a month in the hospital….
So, I’m not really looking forward to this one.
don’t look at it that way. Look at it as this is the spring that will be a rebirth, the spring I started to get better.
I hope you’re right
were you under care the other springs? Medications?
do you feel better about both of those now? the care and the meds?
No.. Well, last spring I was, but we’ve never been able to get my meds fixed. They’re still screwy… My doc just had me email her a list of everything I’ve ever taken because we’re going to try a new antidepressant, I think.
My mom said that my grandmother only got better because of ECT. So, I don’t know if I’ll be different.
tiny adjustments up or down on a med will make a difference, Sometimes a smaller dose more often. Or a change up to something else. Even the addition of another med to help with side effects. The body too, becomes accustom to a med and side effects fade or become more tolerable.
Don’t fear ECT either, it has a high success rate. What ever works right?
More like whatever my insurance will pay for! Universal medicine how I long for you…
that makes it tough. Hopefully your doctor can work with what the insurance covers.