So it’s been a long time since I’ve added anything to this blog. I’ve got to say things haven’t been going so well. I’ve been hospitalized at UCLA 6 times now for suicidal ideation. The hospital keeps becoming less and less safe for me though. I’ve been threatened by a doctor there and yelled at by his boss. It’s unfortunate because sometimes it could be really helpful for me to be there.
I now have the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. I’m depressed most of the time, and I’m often plagued by suicidal thoughts. I’ve tried to kill myself 4 times, but all my attempts have been pretty lame. I’m afraid of what will happen if I fail, and I’m afraid of pain.
I stopped taking my medications a few weeks ago, and I kind of lost my mind for a few days. I think I was suffering from a dysphoric mania. I had all this energy and I constantly wanted to move and do something, but I was depressed and suicidal. My thoughts were racing but all the thoughts were negative and many focused on suicide. I couldn’t keep myself from banging on my head with my fists as hard as I could to make the thoughts go away, but hurting myself didn’t help anything. I was extremely paranoid and delusional. I thought that everyone made a plan to be happier than me so as to hurt me more. When they looked at me I could see the intent in their eyes, but I guess it wasn’t there after all. I wasn’t eating normally. I would eat nothing and not be hungry or have any desire to eat, but that was only sometimes because on different days I would find myself eating everything in sight, but I still wasn’t hungry; I was celebrating something, but I didn’t know what. I wanted to scream out in agony, and I did a few times because my soul felt like it was being ripped to shreds. I also had very violent thoughts. They were images that passed through my mind. I picture myself killing me or other people. The suicidal scenarios brought me relief, but the other thoughts horrified me and made me hide from everything and everyone in an effort to save them. I wasn’t going to do anything, and I definitely didn’t want to do anything. But it was scary. I probably should have gone to the hospital, but I would have gotten yelled at for going off my medication.
I’m taking my medicine for the most part now. It’s hard for me to remember the pills in the morning sometimes, but I got this app, Pillboxie, that is supposed to help me remember to take them. It helps, but has yet to solve the problem.
I’ve lost nearly 30 pounds. I don’t really know how. I started taking phentermine over the summer and I guess I could contribute my success to that drug, but there were weeks when I wouldn’t take it but would still lose weight. So I can’t explain it, I guess.
I got a new doctor. Her name is Katrina DeBonis. She is super nice. I like her a lot. She actually wants to understand and listen to me. It’s so weird, but I like it. Her office is always a huge mess, but it makes it feel lived in. Like, you know she really does work there. Sometimes she’s bad at listening though. She doesn’t want to be my doctor in inpatient, and I don’t understand why. I think it’s because I’m difficult, but that doesn’t seem like a great reason.
Well, I think that’s a good update for now. I hope someone is still out there listening.